Like Hell
by TimelessTears
Summary: Minato wishes he was in the Death God's stomach. As it turns out, Heaven's not so much fun.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**A/N: Poor, poor, Minato, we hardly knew ye.**

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He found himself floating in darkness.

_'So this is the inside of a Death God's stomach'. _Minato thought as he looked around. To the left; darkness. To the right; again, darkness. Above and below? Yep, you guessed it! Darkness.

How boring, he thought as he continued to float aimlessly. Not that he had ever really thought about what it would feel like to be eaten by some higher being, let alone what the inside of their belly would like.

Still, surely he wasn't the only one a Death God had eaten right? There had to be someone else brave enough to use that jutsu. Or at least do something to end up here; time would pass by quicker if he had someone to talk to.

"Brave, my dear human, is not the right word for you actions. Try stupid instead, ne blondie?" A snide voice from behind him said. Whirling around (rather difficult when you're floating), Minato came face to face with the owner of the voice.

She was tall, pale with short dark hair, and cloaked in black. Yellow eyes peered at him as she sat motionless in the air, red lips stretched into a smirk. Hmmm, maybe wishing for someone to converse had been a bad idea.

"Who are you?" Minato demanded sharply. At first he thought she was another human who had been devoured by the Death God, but upon closer inspection he noticed a small horn protruding from her forehead.

"Y'know, I heard you were smart- a genius even- but I'm beginning to doubt that." Walking over to him as if she was on solid ground, she poked his chest.

"I'm the Death God you summoned stupid. . . and I'll have you know my stomach is much cooler than this." She said waving to the darkness disregarding his shock. "Much more cozy."

"Why?" Minato grounded out in anger ignoring her statement, more concerned about why he wasn't where he should be. "Why am I not in your stomach? I did the jutsu perfectly, I-" He cut himself off. What if the jutsu hadn't worked? Was the Kyuubi still rampaging around? Was his village alright? What of his son? What-

"Okay, seriously, you need to chill. The jutsu worked just like you wanted it to, so stop hyperventilating; it's creepin' me out." The Death God told him in annoyance. He looked at her with panicked eyes, a rare sight indeed to be seen on Namikaze Minato.

"But-" She cut him off and moved into his personal space to the point where their noses were almost touching.

"Silly human with your silly jutsu. I am a _Death God_, far more powerful than even the great Kyuubi. I _rule death_ and I can bypass any binding your spell invokes because _I am above it_. Now I could eat you, but you're far too cute to be stuck in my stomach for the rest of eternity and forever." She purred into his ear. Blue eyes looked at her sharply.

"But that's not the only reason is it?" He questioned, seeing a hidden motive in her eyes. Hey, he wasn't the Yondaime for nothin' you know. He knew when someone was hiding something (courtesy of Danzo and the rest of the Council).

"So you _are_ smarter than you look. That's a good thing." She shrugged when he glared at her. "If you must know my sister asked me to spare you." Minato cocked an eyebrow at this.

"Sister?" Death Gods had sisters?

"Yes. Sister. Why is everyone so shocked by that?" The Death God muttered to herself before giving him a grin that showed two long rows of sharp, pointy, teeth.

"I owe her a favor you see. Believe me when I say that you're probably about to suffer through a hell much worse than the one planned for you in my stomach."

Before he could say anything, she touched his forehead and he flashed out of the darkness.

He appeared in a white room. Use to the inky blackness that he'd been in; his eyes winced at the brightness.

"I see my sister is finally done speaking with you." A wispy voice to his left said. No longer bothering to be surprised (he figured since he was dead there wasn't much of a point), Minato just turned to the voice and almost rolled his eye at how cliche the whole thing was.

She was, as expected from the white room, dressed in white with pale skin, long white hair, and blue eyes that rivaled his own.

"You," he said pointing a finger at her. "look nothing like your sister." Not quite sure why he felt the need to point that out, he did a mental shrug and continued on. "Let me guess; you're a Death God as well?" The woman raised an eyebrow at him.

"Amazing," The woman whispered. "My sister was right for once; you are a moron of the first degree."

Ignoring his indigenous 'hey!' she continued without missing a beat. "I am what you call a Life Starter. While my sister takes life away, I do the opposite and start life up."

"Why be called a Life Starter? Why not just be called a Life God?"

"Death God, Life God, a bit repetitive don't you think? That and it sounds stupid." This time Minato did roll his eyes. As if anyone would care about that.

"Why am I here?" he asked her bluntly, tired of all this nonsense.

"Your actions have been taken into account and it's been decided that you don't deserve to be stuck in the belly of my sister. You probably wouldn't enjoy it that much to be honest. Lot of odd things in there." The Life Starter said offhandedly and he shuddered (discreetly) at what 'odd' things could be swimming around in that woman's stomach.

Suddenly, he is very thankful for the woman in front of him. She smiled at him slyly as if reading his thoughts.

"Don't thank me quite yet. I have a feeling you'll be hating me sooner or later. But enough about that. Namikaze Minato, congratulations: you're going to Heaven. There you may be reunited with loved ones and watch over those below if you so wish." With that said she opened a gate that had suddenly appeared and pushed him inside.

Looking around, he was happy to see actual colors as well as other people. Turning around to thank the Life Starter, he noticed her devious grin as she shut the gate and locked it.

An odd feeling of dread filled his stomach and he wondered why he felt he'd just been set up for endless torture.

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Walking down the street of gold, Minato cheered up a bit and the dread in his stomach dimmed. He felt at peace here. He recognized many people from his village and had spoken with most of them. But there was only one person he truly wanted to see at this moment.

Kushina.

She had to be here. He knew of no one with a brighter spirit than hers' (then again, she did enjoy cursing and was quick to anger. He hoped she hadn't cussed anyone important out and got sent to hell for it). He lowered his head and stared at the ground as he continued walking, desperately praying that she was here.

"Minato." A familiar voice spoke. His head snapped up and his eyes filled with tears at the person in front of him.

She was here.

"Kushina!" He shouted as he ran towards her. '_She's here_,' his mind chanted. Not covered in blood from a rough delivery, not pale and weak clinging to dear life, not breathing shallow breathes. _She's here and she's whole._

He opened his arms as he ran towards her to embrace her, delighted to see a smile on her face. Arms open wide, she looked ready to embrace him as well.

He should've known it was too good to be true.

About two feet away from her, Kushina's sweet smile changed into a vicious glare and she socked him in the gut with enough force that even Tsunade would have envied it.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, YOU DUMBASS?!" She bellowed as her poor husband flew almost fifty feet.

_'Ah, Kushina. Always knocking me off my feet_.' Minato though faintly as he hit the floor. Before he could recover, two hands grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him up to come face to face with his fire-spitting wife.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" She hissed again, shaking him roughly. He honestly didn't know why she was upset (was it that time of the month? Wait, they're in Heaven so PMS shouldn't exist, right?), but her next words helped him connect the dots.

"_What. The. Hell. Did. You. Do. To. My. Baby_?" She snarled, pulling her arm back and making a fist- no doubt in his mind that it she was aiming for his face- he tried to appease her.

"Kushina. Kushina, calm down and let me explain!" he asked (begged) calmly (hysterically).

"I don't see why I should! You ruined our child's life! Those villagers are going to rip him apart! But don't worry; I'll see that my little Naru-chan is avenged somewhat." She said in a chilled voice, letting go of his shirt as cold eyes pointedly looked at his crotch.

Oh God. Warning bells went off in his head. His manhood was in serious danger.

"They won't see him like that! Believe me Kushina. He'll be praised as a hero." She quirked an eyebrow at him.

"You honestly believe that, don't you?" Kushina said softly after a moment of silence, her anger subsiding.

"Yes I do." He said with conviction, picking himself up (and discreetly moving out of her reach in case she decided to lunge at him).

"Alright; let's go see then." Kushina said curtly.

"See?" He questioned.

"Yeah, there's some weird wishing well that lets you see how the one's you left behind are doing. It's the reason I know what you did to poor little Naru-chan." She said giving him a pointed glare. Minato sighed deeply.

"Kushina, there was no time. I couldn't ask someone else to give their child up." He ignored her _'oh yes you could've!'_ and continued. "Besides, Naruto is strong." He nodded sagely.

"He's a new born baby!" His wife screamed at him.

"I know!" he screamed back. "But he's our son! The villagers will see him as a hero; I _know_ it."

"Oh, you better." Kushina said softly, dangerously. "Because if my baby is abused in any, **any**, way," she whispered harshly, "you're balls are **mine**."

Minato paled at that. It sounded like a promise. A very painful promise.

"Ah, of-course." He choked out praying that the people of Konaha would somehow realize that their Yondaime was in mortal peril despite being dead.

Drawing forth all his courage, he followed Kushina to the wishing well. Silently sucking in a deep breath, he successfully calmed down before peering into well.

He had faith in his people.

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He should have never had faith in those bastards! Minato though furiously as he watched people screaming for his child's blood. One person even threw a rock at the infant but an ANBU deflected it easily. Tired of listening to the screams of rage, he leaned back, more than a little disappointed in his village.

"Oh yes Minato, I really see our child being looked upon as a hero." Kushina said sarcastically.

"I can't believe they want to kill him." Minato said softly staring at his hands, sitting down against the well. He felt Kushina sit next to him and he gladly leaned into her when he felt her arms wrap around him.

"I'm sorry they let you down." She said softly and he had to smile at that. Even in her anger, his wife knew he had loved that village more than anything and it hurt to see them do such a despicable thing to their child. Their _savior_.

"Not just me." He said bitterly. "You as well. And Naruto." There was silence as both mulled over the sickening truth they had just witnesses.

"Regardless," He heard Kushina say, "Your balls are mine now!" Quicker than lightening, he broke free from her and looked on in horror as she brought out a butcher's knife from seemingly nowhere.

"Where did you get that?" _And what are you planning on doing with it?_ He thought as he broke into a cold sweat. Not that he didn't already have a good idea. . .

"Well this is Heaven; miracles happen you know." She gave him a crazy grin. Miracle? Hah! More like a curse if he had any say in the matter.

And then the chase began.

"Come back here Minato! It's been _soooo _long since we been together! Don't you want to get _re-acquaint-ed_? I'm your wife after all! I swear it will be **fun**." Kushina yelled as she ran after him.

Thank God he was the Yellow Flash.

For the next fifteen years Minato was viciously chased all around heaven by his angry, knife happy, wife. He did, however, receive a reprieve when his son activated eight tales of the Kyuubi.

It was nice. He got to annoy the fox and see in person how much his son had grown.

Then his son punched him in the gut. But really, he deserved that one.

But all too soon he was back in heaven where a butcher knife missed his manhood by half-an-inch.

And so as the chase started up again, he vaguely wished he was inside the Death Gods' stomach.

Because for Namikaze Minato, Heaven was the deepest pit of Hell.

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**A/N: All I'm saying is that if I was his wife, I'd be freakin' pissed off too. Oh, and it was Kushina who asked the Life Starter to find away to get Minato into Heaven. One does not go against an angry mother with a liking for knives.**

**Review if you want, flame if you want, give me some constructive criticism if you want, it's all good. **


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